Hiking, working, making dinners for friends. Reading, sewing, throwing pots. Visiting my family. Going to Ava's soccer games. Helping other people with things. Swimming. Traveling a little, not too much. Yoga. What happened to all of these things? I want them back. I want to stand up at a gallery and have them introduce me once again as an important contemporary artist of the Pacific Northwest, and then I want to make them laugh and to give them some color. I want to be there because my work is like a child to me. It needs me, it needs my attention and it needs to be fed. I want to be me and me is more than what can be offered in this time and place as a dancer. Or more than can be received?
Well, today was so strange. I just can't imagine going to another milonga right now. I don't have one thing that triggered this feeling that can be identified. I don't think there is a whole lot of real tango going on in Seattle, or anywhere maybe. A lot of circus acts of various sorts. A lot of business. This milonga or that, this teacher or that. Old or new, young or old, good or not good.
Yukky or yukky. Kiss kiss, hug hug, with one hand in my pocket or on my ass.
The sun is back, it is light until late in the evening here so far north. So far from Argentina, where even now, at this moment, more than two or three couples are probably actually doing some tango. It is so light that the truth cannot be left in the shadows. But Buenos Aires does not call me either, really. I won't miss the embrace, because I have that right here always. I won't miss the music because I have it here.
I am tired, distracted, unfocused, and ready to be quiet. Normal, no? It's just a break. It might last a week, it might last a year. If you are really a friend then I will see you. I will even make you some dinner. If not, then we won't miss each other at all. If you are one of the sweet and handsome men who have made this journey a delight and an affirmation, you must know that you have made it so compelling that I will have to return. I think you know who you are. If you are one of my chicas, then let's do lunch, or get our pedicures, or hang out in the garden and drink a little too much. I cannot imagine life without you and your beauty and your grace and your sense of humor and style. If you are one of my teachers, I am grateful but unable to absorb anymore right now, and I don't want to.
So there it is. A Pause. Maybe I can be in the pause as one is in a tango. Breathing to the beat of the heart.
About Me
- Elizabeth
- Kirkland, Washington state, United States
- Art, painting, printmaking, glass, pens and pencils, ceramics, tango, food, friends, music, family, babies, gardening, roses, ferns, moss, herbs, romance, flamenco, jazz, colors, poetry, cowboys, horses, cats, boots, tango shoes, clothes. making a mess in the kitchen, studio, garden, books with pictures, chocolate, movies, writing, fine fabrics, magazines, humor, love. And water, all forms, swimming, waterfalls, pools, rain.
Link to my website
Buenos Aires Links
Links to Music
Links to other Tango blogs and websites
- Alex.Tango.Fuego
- Amstertango: A Pacific Northwest Leader's Point of View
- An Ever Fixed Mark
- Arlene's London Tango Pages
- Detlef and Melina, great teachers
- Golandrina
- Jaimes Friedgen. He teaches you how
- Johanna, author, dancer.
- Knowtango: Big ol' worldwide events calandar
- Malena canta el Tango.
- Michelle Badion, my teacher
- Modern Tanguera
- msHedgehog, Tango in Green and Gold shoes, in London
- Mtnhighmama, Eugene, Oregon tanguera
- My Tango Diaries
- Ney Melo and Jennifer Bratt. Great dancers, teachers, people.
- NYC Tango Pilgrim
- Paris Tango and Beautiful Photos
- Paul Yang, Tango and Photography
- Random, Alan's blog
- Sally in Argentina
- Sallycat in Buenos Aires
- Simba
- Tango Chamuyo
- Tango Commuter
- TangoCherie
- The Poetry of Tango. Translations of Tango
- tinatangos
19 comments:
Word. E.
I wanna sit in your garden and drink a little too much! :-)
Pauses are good. healthy.
El tango te espera.
Ida says: YOU LIKE TOO HIKE TOO?!?!?!? And Alan as well? Hmmm.... We might have something here... We should discuss this further. Mr Ampster and I have a long overdue hike. It does not have to be a major expedition you know... Something that could perhaps entail some sitting in your garden and drinking a little too much after the hike.
I like this post - very well written.
Elizabeth,
As Ruben says, a pause is dancing the silence.
I so understand.
It's all just part of the dance, dear E. Without pauses it's just aerobics. I have taken a "pause" at least three times in my life. Yet tango is never far from my thoughts, and always lures me back. It is better each time I return.
Enjoy your break!
To add to what Mrs. Ampster said, I think we should plan something that includes adventure, fine wine, and great food.
TP:
I knew you would understand :).
Tina: Let's round up those chicas!
Liz: It is interesting that you use that lovely phrase..a good one, and very apt in this case. We will have to get together.
Caroline: I know too that you get this totally. Have fun in BA, have a lot of great tandas, buy some more shoes. I am sure I will be back on the floor needing some GretaFloras soon.
TangoCherie: I think I was seeing some of that Dark Side that you wrote so definitivly about a while back on you blog. But that bright side is well represented and held up by people like you and Ruben. God I would love to see you guys!
Dear Ampster Family:
Looking around for blue jeans and sneakers and a backpack (for that wine and cheese!) YAYYYY for nature in the Pacific Northwest, YAYY for hikes and friends and all that good stuff. XO
E
Johanna,
Reading your book again.
Thanks for the support and the O>K. to take a break....the break is much needed, and having the understanding from those who have been through it is a balm.
XO
E
Johanna, P.S. Will it be better when I return? I fear loss of tango abilities...it took me so long to get any at all.
E
There is no way for me to answer that, Elizabeth :-)
But for me, especially after the year-long break, I was really concerned that I wouldn't remember anything. Although I will confess that it took me about a week to "get out of my head", the rest seems to be stored in the same place as riding a bike.
I also think that the distance reprioritizes your Tango. As much as I am always looking for ways to step up my quality, and explore new and fun things, it is always done as part of natural exploration and fun-based. I'd suggest that you stop taking classes for a while, and just let what you have learned come to the surface in its own natural way.
Honest post E. Which I love.
You know, mi amor C. lost the desire to dance for months and months. It's just coming back.
But it is different now: for him, for me, for us... not worse, just different.
Impermanence is the only certainty I sometimes think. And actually it's a relief that I don't have to fight to keep things the same: it just isn't the natural way.
And I remember when I paused my blog last year - do you remember? God I needed that time. Then after months, one day I woke up and I just wanted to come back.
Time out is good.
Warm supportive hug,
SC
Oh Sally, So good to hear from you. Yes I do remember well when you took your break.
I don't know what happened but I just came to the end. Right on the last note of La Cumparsita, after three nights of dancing. I felt it like a ton of bricks. I don't know if it will last but it just feels so freeing.
Thanks so much for your kind and understanding words which mean so much to me. My partner and husband, Alan says that he is feeling some good growth in tango and wants to continue, and that is fine with me. I may go out with him (probably not because the music makes me cry) but in any case, the decision is made.
Hugs!
E
Hi again,
I am happy my words sooth a little.
All the time C. did not dance, I did and actually it was good for us for a few reasons because in the end it got us to that point B that I wrote about in a recent post.
I know you and A. are in an entirely different place than we were with our two clashing tango cultures but even so, it may bring you guys good things too.
Loving you from afar you brilliantly creative, talented, inspiring artist you!
SC
Alan and I can hang out and be cool.
;-)
Kim says reading this (me reading it to her) made her feel like she was listening to an old friend, which we all know, you (we) already are.
Alex says reading this made him think about his own feelings of disconnectedness from tango. You clarified what I have been feeling in my own heart - what we are seeing is not tango - it's the circus, it's business - it's everything but tango.
For that illumination I'm grateful. I was beginning to think it was me, which I suppose is partly true. I feel I'm evolving to a point where tango is a smaller part of my life - there's so much more to life than tango - but it took tango for me to really, truly, see that.
Tell Alan we said hi, make some beautiful art and take care of yourself. See you soon.
Alex
Sometimes one just needs a break, or is even forced to break. But Tango is like riding a bicycle, you never forget.
Alex, Kim:
I think I am not so tired of tango (although maybe a little), as I am of milongas and that circus. For me now it is a search for balance. Tango will always be a part of me now. Someone, a person who really "gets" tango, that if you don't have these times of searching than it means you never got to the soul of it...the thing which deserves to be sought out. When the search gets discouraging, and one sees all the nonsense, that just means you have the real tango in your heart, that you have experienced it. I know you have.
I don't know how it gets under the skin. Thinking of you both and looking forward to our next get together. Wow, some of the best people have come into my lfe through the tango journey.
XOXO
E
Joli, I guess you have somewhat of a break due to life/changes...it can only make tango deeper. So many times the feelings or sensations of nuture, motherhood if you will...come up during dance. Wierd, I know.
XO
E
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