The link above is Clay Nelson's survey directed at people who quit tango. You can scroll through and look at results without filling it out. A quick scan reveals trends that the big quitters are women over 45 who have been involved for more than three years, who felt that tango is cliquish, who have studied other forms of dance. They are mainly from Bay Area, Seattle, and Portland. Many state the reason for leaving as not having partners and some say that they would come back if they had a regular significant other who danced tango. Of course my summation is sort of unscientific, as is the survey. But there it is.
If I were the big wise grandma in the sky, and I could speak silently to all who would listen, probably actually no one, but just say if. Then here is what I would say:
Tango is not a good place to meet a significant other person. People who tango are primarily in love with tango.
Taking a partner or significant other person to tango is not a good way to improve your relationship or to have a shared "hobby". Women who drag life partners to tango are visible, and often audible, from a mile away and if your think people are cliquish it is just because they can't stand to watch the train wreck close up.
On the subject of couples. It is not easy to be a couple in tango, it brings it own problems that must be dealt with (just try to go to BA presenting as a couple and see how far it gets you). You are alone in tango. The only time you are not alone is in the dance and even then you will be alone a lot of the time, sadly. Tango is about loss, no way around it.
If only one of the couple is learning tango, then the couple will spend too much time apart, and the tango obsession can threaten the relationship unless careful negotiations are honestly made and adhered to.
Three years was the average quitting time. Three years is nothing in tango. Three years is time to become a passable beginner. Tango is sort of hard and it takes attention, and you have to be able to change yourself, your posture, your attitude, your spirit really. Leave your militant feminism at the door or just get rid of it altogether because tango is old, tango is traditional, and tango is about the real differences and what we can each bring to the embrace. You might like finding this, it might shake things up inside.
Tango can seem exclusive, and there are always little groups and people who stick to a teacher as though he/she were a guru, and strive always like high school kids to be a part of the teacher group. This is death to tango. Tango is a big, international, age-less, non-trendy, world. And if you want to be part of it you have to put something into that. Don't be all trying to get into the in crowd when you are 45 years old.
If you have been with one teacher for a long time, change teachers. If you have been going only to one milonga, change milongas. It will be scary. Scare yourself.
Finally, I have a little rant. I have a life and dance partner, and I know this is rare and so you might be thinking I don't really know what I am talking about. Anyway, I bring a partner, I try to convert my brother, my friends who don't dance, I try to even it out. There are enough leads in Seattle at the moment (probably because apparently all the women are dropping out). But that will change. I normally show up with a man. And I SHARE. So now it is your turn, lonely lady...bring someone. Take your friends to a lesson, take your dad, or son. Scare them too!
Being "over 45" is just a reality for many of us. It gives you experience, and nicely patinaed quality, and a worn out heart to bring to tango. These things are assets. You will see that the guys all ask the young girl who has two weeks of lessons to dance. Then they all try that out because they are men, god bless them. Then, they go back to the persons of any age who can dance. They do, because as I told you, they are in love with tango. You have my permission to make them suffer and wait as well.
Tango isn't going to give you a whole lot unless you put something in. It is the most responsive to Karma of any activity that I know. It is a part of it. And waiting, waiting.
Think up one gift that you are going to give to tango and just see what happens. I guarantee that you will find some magic in the return. No I do not mean that you buy yourself another pair of shoes.
I don't mean to sound bossy and like I know anything at all. I don't. I am trying to figure it out myself. I have considered quitting myself, and recently took a break. It is brutal sometimes. I told my partner I was thinking about what life would be like if I just quit, let it go. He looked at me for a long time, and then he said : "I have watched you go through this, and nothing you have done in all the time I have known you brings you as much joy as tango."
15 comments:
"Have I told you lately that I love you?"
Thank you for expressing my thoughts so well.
E, Bravo!!!!!!!!!
I couldn't agree with you more. Sometimes I think a lot of people haven't paid their dues in tango, yet they ask for a lot.
I wish I could say it out loud for everyone to hear, like you did. I do not seem to have the courage to challenge other people's unrealistic expectations. You are my hero. Many thanks for posting!
Mil gracias, Elizabeth. This is a great knock on the head and a reality check and just a good thing to read.
Such a profound and honest post. And so very, very true.
I have felt the same emotion recently, and have thought about taking a break from tango.
oh thank you thank you thank you for posting that!!!
Cherie,TP,Frances, Modern,Johanna,Henry, Mari:
Thanks to all of you for reading a rather long entry. Looking later at the commentary at the end of Clay Nelson's survey I was starting to think there is something very "off" about the survey and the respondents, something not adding up. In any case though, it brought forth the thoughts that I wanted to express about the commitment that tango requires. And it provided the chance to convey the idea that you can't go around expecting to take a few lessons and then have a wonderful tango life. I am grateful to my first teachers for making that much very clear. But all of you already know that!
Frances, I would like to have permission to read your blog. Email me?
E
Frances, me too!
Such wise words Elizabeth. There is a lot of truth in them.
You are so right on everything you said. Are you sure you are not from NJ? Are the women really like that on the West Coast?
I have a new partner and he does not dance Tango. My heart sunk when he told me that he would like to learn so he could dance with me. I did not give him an answer that he was happy with. I told him to start with Ceroc and see from there. I am GLAD he does not dance Tango. I do not go as often, but I am ok with that. I am also at a loss as to where he would learn and who from as I am not sure the teachers in his area are that good. He lives outside of London. I also like to dance to other music. Some people treat the milongas like a dating service. It ain't gonna happen, and if it does, it is a rare thing so don't hold your breath. And who cares about the people? As long as you are nice and pleasant does it really matter to belong in a little group? All I care about is the music and the dancing and since I dance with men...
Arlene, We worked it out this way:
We agree that we are not always learning or enthusing about tango in the same way. So we each go on our own tango journey. But what a mine field for new relationships!
I don't agree with what you wrote.
It is nicely put but it does not reflect why I quit Tango for a few months (I have come back since) and what I read in the survey.
The survey shows clearly that a lot of people find the atmosphere unpleasant and I can hear my sister tell me how uncomfortable she felt whenever her husband and her would go to a milonga in L.A. Now that she has seen a few in Montreal she can tell that the tango scene is very different from what she knew there.
People also quit because they don't find someone to dance with. That does not necessarily mean to date! I am happily single and would never want to date a fellow dancer. I dance for tango and a relationship with a dancer could change my dancing.... However, I find VERY challengind to register for classes without a steady DANCE partner and I have spent many milongas not dancing at all.
I have actively been fighting the tango snobs in my community and it's not easy but I do it relentlessly. I engage regularly with people who look new and lost. I dance willingly with complete beginners and try to be encouraging because Tango is a gift and it is best shared. When I see an advanced dancer laugh at beginners I correct them and appeal to their souvenirs of what it was to start.
I have been a runner for 15 years, yoga for 10, ballet for 10, I'm not a quitter and I have been paying my tango "dues" several times a week. Nevertheless, it's still hard and I still pray everytime I leave for a milonga for a pleasant evening, nothing earth-shattering, just one good tanda and a little conversation.... it does not happen every time....
I agree with Stephanie that people quit because they don't find someone to dance with and I also feel that I would never want to date a fellow dancer. They are much better places to find a better date than in milongas.
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